Negative

Thats right. I tested 6dp5dt and 7dp5dt. Nada, nichts, nothing. It was so white it makes Mr. Rogers look latino.

Well, not much else to say. The stick said no, we are not going to have a Thanksgiving to remember. We don't have to start a college fund. We don't have to change our day to day routine.

Everything stays exactly the same only now, the never fail donor egg scenario has failed. Twice. We have one last shot from this donor. Which is also somewhat disappointing. All that money and only 6 blasts. I know, beggars can't be choosers, but I was hoping we would have enough for at least two kids. Now, we have only two frosties. I still don't know what to do about my lining. I have always had super light periods. 3-4 day and only one day has medium flow. When I was on the pill, I had no period. Maybe the estrogen is the problem. Maybe I can beg and plead the doc to do a natural cycle. I don't know why we wouldn't be able to do that. We thaw the day of the transfer and my temperature works like clockwork. With the added thought of a blood test it seems very logical. Maybe I should also try acupuncture. I have been avoiding it, mostly because having more appoints stresses me out. I have never really had to go to a doctor since I have been an adult. All these appointments and medications are so unnatural to me.

Blood test on Monday, probably won't get the results until Tuesday, but it beats paying $60 to find out that this is another bust.

Trying hard to find a bright side, but right now I am just worried about meeting my deadline on Monday so I will dive into work.

Headache 5dp5dt

I am on symptom watch. Just like last time I have this horrible migraine. It is earlier than I had it last time, and it is very annoying. My nurse told me that it was a good sign last time. I wonder why that is. It can't be because of extra progesterone in the system. That has been going on for several days already and the headache just started yesterday. I have a slight head cold so maybe it is a symptom of that, but usually I don't suffer from headaches. The only time I get them is right before menstruation. I find they muddle my brain. I can't talk straight when I have a migraine. My thoughts get all mixed together and I sound like an idiot in conversations. Concentration is often a problem, too.

Last night I felt the most mild cramps ever. Maybe I am reaching, but I am very in tune with my body and I am pretty sure it was something uterine. Not just an upset stomach.

I also have not been able to sleep well. I am a little worried about this. I want my body to be rested and energized to keep the little ones on normal circadian rhythm. It can't hurt at least. Maybe I will try to get a few more hours sleep.

Not much else to report. I bought some cheapo pregnancy sticks online, so lets hope they get here by Thursday so I can test then. If not, I will wait til they arrive.

Is laughing stressful? 4dp5dt

This weekend was spent trying my absolute best to be calm and stressfree. This is very difficult for me. I am a type A personality and rarely relax even when I am at home. I find that my body is often very tense. Its not that stress is bad for me. I don't know how I would function if I were relaxed. I don't suffer from headaches or lack of sleep. I am just high strung. Granted when people annoy me, it is hard to let it go, but in general, I think I am OK.

When prescribed to relax and have a low key weekend, I found that it was a bit stressful. Yes, that right I had anxiety because I wasn't relaxed enough. I even worried when Mr Hu and I had a good laughing session. One reason we get along so well is because we have the same sense of humor and I really relish when he is home on the weekends. He can really make me laugh. I am sure no one else would find these things funny, but that really doesn't bother me. Any way, I was wondering could I be laughing too hard. Would my belly jiggling dislodge Seedbubble? I always hear that laughing is good for you, but I am pretty sure that laughing is not really relaxing.

The other activity that we tried that was supposedly relaxing was playing the Wi*i. Though, I find that I probably get a moderate work out when I play some of the games. Plus we often play a two player game and I am constantly yelling at Mr. Hu for one thing or another. Again is this relaxing? I don't think so, but maybe it is as close as I can get.

In other news, I have been trying to track my symptoms. Sprogblogger has a blow by blow account of her symptoms and it is really fun to follow. I had some kind of pain in my left ovary. Don't know what that means. My breasts are tender, but they were tender from the estrogen so I really think this can't be counted. What else? Last time I had a horrible migraine for about 3 days. Maybe it was from dehydration so this time I am trying to drink a lot. Like Sprogblogger was, I am thirsty all of the time. I don't think this is an acknowledged symptom, but it makes sense to me.

I was looking over the pictures of the frosties and am a little worried that one of the frosties didn't come out well. The embryologist assured me that it was scrunched because it had not completely rehydrated yet from the freezing. I find it very disconcerting that all of the medical professionals can basically tell you anything and you have to believe them. You are helpless. You can't doubt their abilities or their techniques. It is like being a weather person. You can't really predict the future and they can't be blamed when things don't work out as planned.

Now, I know what you can do to a blastocyst and still get a completely healthy embryo. It is amazing. To be honest, as long as the culture conditions are stable, the only thing that really can go wrong is the transfer. Really, I have jammed needles and cells into mouse blastocysts, ripped off the zona pellucida (outer layer of the blastocyst), and even combined two morula (8 cell embryos) and obtained normal embryos. Lets hope that the embryologist knows what they are doing. Then all I have to blame for a failure is my own sad uterine lining.

I think I will POAS on Thursday. Last time I had a defined second line by that day after the transfer.

Not feeling it

Wow, what a year. So many of the IF community have had fantastic results. It really gives me hope that this whole process just might work. I have always wanted to compile a data sheet to keep track of all of these positives and track them out, but then the statistician in me screams out and says but if all of those people get pregnant, somebody must fall on the negative side. Because I don't believe much in luck or gambling, I am forced to place myself on the side of doubt of having a negative result no matter what I do. But enough of this self pity.

I am absolutely overjoyed to hear of Kates at i-cant-whistle.blogspot.com/ wonderful news. She has been through a lot and according to my statistics she has been persistent enough to fall into the positive category. You go, girl.

In other news, if I were superstitious I would be a little happy. My fortune cookie on Friday had some hokey fortune, but on the back the Chinese translation that was listed said Son. Lets see what wins out.

Scrunchy and Seedbubble

Well, here they are. The one on the left is a little cold still. Below I put the before freezing image.

While I lie here, I wonder if there is anything I could do to help these kiddos implant. I know about pineapple and Mr. Hu is running out to get some now. I am also wearing my Germany undies for good luck (Mr. Hu's nationality). Any advice whether scientific or superstitious is appreciated.

Incidentally, I opened by email and found a notice from a journal where the whole issue is devoted to placentas and there as one of the subtopics, implantation! I hope our library has that journal I am going there right now to download it.

Finally, as another bonus for the transfer, Mr. Hu has declared that I now have a majority vote in the house seeing as I am voting for 3. Therefore, anything I want goes. I am trying to think of something I could get my way with, but so far I can't think of a single thing.

PUPO!!!

Well two 4BB blasts have now been transferred. I will try to post the pictures of the blasts later. One had reexpanded after thawing. The other was still all balled up. I don't know, that really bothers me. It was still collapsed which, of course, is completely natural because they have to collapse to freeze them. We have named this one Scrunchy. Haven't thought of a name for the other one.

The transfer did not go as smoothly as the first time. The doctor took a little longer and had to leave one catheter in to make sure the trail for the blast transfer catheter was open.

Now I am supposed to lie here in bed for the rest of the day. There really is no good TV on. Thank goodness the Food Network is here.

I think I am going to try to not think about work this entire weekend. It really raises my stress level. I was practicing relaxing in the Drs office. It is amazing how a couple of slow deep breaths really seem to release any stress present in the body.

Hopefully, one thing I can do with my free time is to catch up on all of the blogs. I have been following everyone, just not writing much because I have been traveling and had lots of work.

Walking a thin line (ing)

Well went in last Tuesday and the lining was a bare 6.5mm. Yuck. Then asked if we could thaw only one embryo in case this cycle is a bust, but no they were frozen in twos.


You have got to be kidding me. This just keeps getting worse and worse.

We are on for a transfer on Friday, though. I do not have my hopes up. The lining is thinner than it was last time. The doc said we could put it on hold, but then the uterine biopsy was for nothing. Though I don't know how any inflammation could still be going on seeing as I had the biopsy over 3 weeks ago.

One good thing is that the estrogen has made intimacy with Mr. Who very fun. My breasts have also gotten quite large (although they are very tender).

I am really just in the dumps today. Feeling as if we have to waste two more good embryos. Then we will only have two left. That just sucks. The whole donor egg 66% success rate seems highly unlikely at this point. Lets hope at least the transfer goes well. I had a stitch placed in my cervix to make the transfer easier. Basically the Dr. yanks on the thread to straighten my curvy cervix out and it makes the catheter enter more smoothly. I don't know, with all of my problems maybe it wasn't only my eggs that make it difficult to get pregnant. Maybe my cervix and uterus are just not hospitable environments for procreation.

Advice

As a female scientist, I have some opportunity to mentor younger female scientists as well as listen to advice from women more senior than I. Interestingly, the more senior women seem to fall into two categories. Those that had children early in their career and those that waited too long. I am amazed how the first category of women fail to recognize that the odds of having children decreases with increasing age. I have to admit I fell into this category. I was mostly concerned about birth defects. I, to be honest, never heard about how difficult it is to procreate in the late 30's and early 40's. Now that I know, I am making it one of my objectives to spread the word to as many women as possible. This is not an easy task. Many younger females laugh and joke about the horror stories about shriveling ovaries. They think that I am being overdramatic. I don't want to frighten them. I just want the facts to be known and evaluated. I am not trying to convince everyone to go out an have babies immediately, I just want them to look at the scary charts that all the REs have shown me. They truly are frightening.

Then there are the naysayers who already have kids. They always come up with anecdotal data about the 45 year old who had a kid. And yes damnit, at my work place I am surrounded by these miracle women. 3 women over 40 who have unexpectedly become pregnant. Actually two out of the 5 professors in my department fall into this category. One of these did injectables, had one follicle, and did IUI. Two others over 45 who have also had a child within the past 4 years. I assure you that these women did not go through any IF treatments. None.

Why can't I be in that category? Why am I the poster child for delayed gratification? Well, any way. I get on my soapbox as often as possible, but I am not sure I am getting through. At least they are a bunch of scientists, so I think they appreciate the crummy curve that shows the precipitous drop in fertility after 35.

Tomorrow is my lining check. 3 weeks on injectable estrogen. My breasts are so tender and engorged. Lets hope that my lining has increased to match. Last week my E2 levels were 3500. Yikes, that seems pretty high. My lining was only 6.5mm but trilaminar. Wish me luck.

Not yet

There is a little Mexican restaurant around the corner. My husband is always asking if I want to go there on nights when we can't decide where to eat. My pat answer is "Not yet." He says I say that a lot. I guess it is true. My whole life has been a not yet. Is it time to get a pet? Not yet, I don't spend enough time at home. Is it time to go on vacation? Not yet, I have too much to do for work. Is it time to remodel the kitchen? Not yet, I don't want contractors all over the house. Is it time to move so that we can live in the same city? Not yet, I want to get tenure. Is it time to have kids? Not yet, I want to have some time together before we are tied down.

Then finally we decide to have kids. Ok, pregnant the natural way. Not yet. Clomid? Not yet. IUI/IVF. Not and not yet. Bite the bullet. Move on to donor eggs. Fresh cycle. Not quite. Finally, well prepared FET. Estrogen levels. Check. Endometrial biopsy. Check. I go in today to get a final lining check before the progesterone. Not yet.

Thats right. The only thing that my body needs to do right now is what it has been doing every month for the past 30 years. I don't know how well it did it, but it certainly doesn't seem to do it well now. This means no transfer next week. Another week on estrogen. Nothing else that I can do.

Not yet.

Quick update

Well, tomorrow I go in for the lining check. I am pretty sure we are going through with this cycle no matter what because of the biopsy. Have to take advantage of the inflammation, I guess. If everything goes as planned, I should start progesterone on Wednesday. I think the norm is 6 days then the FET. I asked the nurse if it is possible to do one embryo at a time with the FET, but I received no reply. After all, if it was my sucky lining then I don't want to blow two more embryos for nothing. I am really worried because we only have 4 frosties left. I think they range in grade from AB-CB.

In the fresh cycle we transferred one 5AA blast and one 4AA 5 day blast. From the initial HCG they think both implanted then something went terribly wrong. I probably will save those details for another time, but lets just say those were the worst cramps I have ever experienced in my entire life.