Monday, March 29, 2010

Off for awhile

After all the excitement yesterday, I another busy day today. All work related. Plus I POAS and yes BFN. Oh, well we wouldn'twant the free IVF to go to waste.

I talked the acupuncturist today. She did try to sell me on herbs. I told her that herbal tea usually upsets my stomach which is entirely true. I wonder if my insurance will cover it. We will have to see.

I head to an interview in Hawaii tomorrow. Still have to prepare my talk. I guess I will try to do that on the plane ride tomorrow. I really would like to improve my options for a new job. One where I could be in the same city as Mr. Who.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

OMG OMG OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't believe it just when I had given up hope. A sign or karma or something has given me an indication that all is not lost. I don't know if I have said this before but I believe in fate. I think everything works out for certain reasons. I can't for the life of me figure out why I am in this IF boat, but today I have had many good signs and I am going to go with it.

1. Because I had that lining check, I know exactly the day I ovulated (along with BBT) Therefore, I know that Mr. Who and I had perfectly timed intercourse. Today is cycle day 26, the never fail start of the period day. No hint of cramps, yet. OK, I know it is a long shot, but my BBT is still high. Soooooooo yeah. I am clinging to straws, but that is also how my luck works. Everything comes together at the very end.

2. I WON A FREE IVF CYCLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!This morning at a seminar for infertility. That is right, me the person who rarely wins anything was finally at the right place at the right time. The seminar wasn't that awesome, but it also gave me the hope that there is more than one way to fry a fish and if my current RE is not up for the challenge then I could go to this place. I had even made an appointment for a consultation in July (hopefully after my next FET). Then at the end of the seminar and the very long Q&A session, they called my ticket number. I read the number several times in my head, recited the end digits that the person had called, checked the room to see if anyone else had jumped up and no they hadn't. Screamed a high pitched scream of joy, and ran up to the front stage and tears came streaming down my face. I can't believe it. Now, I know that they only cover the IVF cycle, so that means if we go the donor route it is all those costs, and I still have to pay anesthesia and medications, but still. A free cycle. At the beginning of the seminar the RE explained that the last people who had won it just had the husband coming back from Iraq. They said that they had saved up enough money, so if their cycle worked, they would donate the free one to somebody else. Well, remember how I was saying that I am not a bad person, but I am also not a particularly good person. They are going to have to pry this freebie from my dead or pregnant hand. Whichever comes first, before July. To quote a line from one of my favorite movies, " A major prize. A major prize. I won. I won. I won." The Mr. Parker in the Christmas Story.

3. This RE seems very positive about the Viagra treatment so combined with the acupuncture that I will be starting, those last two blasts are going to snuggle in just fine. That is assuming I didn't get pregnant on my own.

4. This particular group of clinics want to start a donor egg bank very similar to a donor sperm bank. These would be CGH screened eggs, where you don't have to wait for all of the testing, donor picking etc. I will talk more about this later, but right now Mr. Who is home from his marathon and I need to tell him the great news.

Friday, March 26, 2010



Rules: YOU! Yes, you, reading this. You're tagged. Now that you know more about me than you ever wanted to know, play the game, it's fun! Let others know a little more about yourself, repost this as your name followed by "ology."

What is your salad dressing of choice?
Spicy Thai. Honey mustard vineagrette

What is your favourite sit-down restaurant?

What is your favourite fast food restaurant?
Taco Bell

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?

What are your pizza toppings of choice?
Roasted corn, mushrooms, sundried tomatoes, feta cheese, spinach.

How many televisions are in your house?
2, three if you count the big screen and LCD projector hooked to the VCR.

What color cell phone do you have?


Are you right-handed or left-handed?

Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
Wisdom teeth

What is the last heavy item you lifted?
Our Christmas boxes.

Have you ever been knocked unconscious?

Have you ever fainted?


If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
No, I already live my life as if today is my last day. HAH! I wish I did that. Maybe if this whole IF stuff doesn't work out that is what I will do.

If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Raven or Aphrodite. Hey I have a friend who named their kid, Echo, why can't I be a Goddess?

How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
Wow, that is tough. I would say over 10. I love them for the summer. No socks, easy on, easy off.

Last person you talked to?
Mr. Who, who else?


Summer, I love the long days, the sun, cool clothing, and drinks on the patio.


Day of the week?

July, it is the middle of summer, everyone is relaxed, work is slower.


Pink Lemonade



Missing someone?
My husband, he works away from home 4 days out of the week.

What are you listening to?
NPR, I love wait wait don't tell me and market place.

What are you watching?
The Office

Worrying about?
The fact that my uterus is a hostile environment for blastocysts.

What's the last movie you saw?
Alice in Wonderland

Do you smile often?
Yes, I have been told that, but in the past few years some people have said that I smile less than I used to.

If you could change your eye color what would it be?
Steel blue. I think people with dark hair and light eyes are intriguing.

What's on your wish list for your birthday?
Well, it is coming up in a week and I don't have my short list. I could reuse my x-mas list. Does that count?

Can you do a chin-up?
0.5 chin ups. I really am not sure I haven't tried in a very long time.

Does the future make you more nervous or excited?
Excited. My life truly seems to be getting better every year.

Have you been in a car wreck?
Yes, I hit one of my coworkers on the way to work. It was very slow motion.

Have you caused a car wreck?
See above.

Do you have an accent?
I have been told that I have a Midwest accent.

Last time you cried?
Two days ago.

Plans tonight?
Champagne and pizza. Celebrating paying off our mortgage.

Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
Not really.

Name three things you bought yesterday?
Peanut butter, salsa, and tuna fish.

Have you met someone who changed your life?
My husband. He centers me.

For the better or worse?
Are you kidding? We are the poster kids for happily married.

How did you bring in the New Year?
Went to a pub and ate some wings.

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
Hmm... not if I don't meet Mr. Who, but I sure would like to go back to a time when I was fertile.

What songs do you sing in the shower?
Any Christmas carol.

Have you held hands with someone today?

Who was the last person you took a picture of?
My husband, which is pretty surprising because he always takes all of the pictures and never ends up in any pictures of his own.

Are most of the friends in your life new or old?

Do you like pulpy orange juice?

Last time you ate peanut butter and jelly?
Yesterday, but I can't remember the time before that. It was a Stout beer jelly.

What were you doing at 12 a.m. last night?
Reading a book.

What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
I love my puppy butt.

This lovely little meme brought to you via Rain & lowfatlady & Mrs Gamgee!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010


I try to keep it together, but tonight I just lost it. I was watching Modern Family tonight and this cute brainy girl was trying to diagnose her brothers ADD. I just realized that I may never have a child like that. I may never have a kid. Life is unfair. I broke down and cried. In my kitchen. By myself. My faithful sidekick, Maredsous, my dog didn't even come to my rescue. Usually she is so in tune with my emotions. She comforts me instantly at any sign of anguish. I guess, the kitchen ban stuck. She did not want to disappoint me by breaking the kitchen barrier. I wish she had been slightly more intuitive. That she had come to my side.

I haven't done anything wrong. I try to live by the Golden Rule. Maybe I don't go out of my way and donate my time and energy to charities, but I think I am a good person. Why would I be cursed this way? Why am I infertile? Why do I see my chances of having any child dwindling away? Usually things work out for me. I believe that. I think everything happens for a reason. And to be honest I have a relatively good life. Yes there are negatives, my husband's job is 3 hours away, I am in a job that I don't particularly love, I have a smaller circle of friends than I would like, but all in all things could be much worse.

Then again. I am infertile. I may never, ever have a baby. I don't deserve this. I have tried everything. I gave up having a child of my own genetic make up. I don't know what else I can sacrifice. I am spent.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Back on the horse

No, my treatment status hasn't changed at all. Still in the temperature surge of the luteal phase.

What I am back to doing is working out. I got on the wii fit on Sunday and miraculously even though I hadn't worked out seriously since before October, I think, I lost weight (2 lbs). The last time I was on the wii fit was 30 days ago. That means eating healthy actually helped.

What have I done so far? Ran a very slooooooooow 5K last Saturday. It was humiliating, but not bad considering I hadn't seriously run since before October. Then I ran 5K and did the stairclimer on Sunday. Then I woke up this morning at 5:30 to go to spin. Actually I woke up at 5:48. 20 min past when my alarm first went off. Still obediently went to the gym and yes, all of the spin bikes were taken. To make up for the lost class, I ran 4 miles tonight. Plans for the next 2 days spin at 6 am. Cross your fingers and be glad it is me and not you.

Why the sudden interest in working out. Two reasons a. Hawaii in a week. 2. If poor vascularization is my problem, wouldn't it make sense to up the need? Certainly, not exercising didn't help it, so maybe excercising will help. I also need to seriously do something to relax and release my constant stress. Yes, Hawaii may help. Yoga is also fun, but usually when I do it, it is more like a challenge. If that skinny, perfectly toned chick can bend over backwards and put her head between her knees, so can I. Well, sorta. I at least can dream.

Oh, but along the lines of healthy eating, I made the most fantastic salad tonight.

Spinach, yellow pepper, strawberries, peppa dews and homemade honey mustard vineagrette. Oh, I know it sounds weird, but it was really, really good.

Here is hoping that the new plan works...somehow.

Monday, March 22, 2010


I am resolved to use the last two blasts. They are mine, they should not go to waste, and they are already paid for. My next goal is to make sure this cycle goes as well as possible. Its not like we can screen ahead looking at the antral follicles and say ooh this will be a good round. I guess every cycle we will have to go into this hoping that the lining is thick, but if it is not wait until the next round. But I guess we blew the shot of the endometrial biopsy. I don't think the insurance will pay for a biopsy every other month. Maybe with the new health care.....

So acupuncture it is. How does one find a good acupuncturist? How often do I need to go and what should I expect to pay. Does it hurt? What if I miss a session?

I guess this cycle I just wait and find out what happens. I feel like I am in limbo. I HATE LIMBO. I just want to either give up or have it work. I hate trying and trying and trying. With no results.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010


Why is it that I feel things are getting worse and not better. When we started this it seemed I just needed little help. The FSH was 8.8, had regular cycles, and all the plans in the world to have a baby within a year. So being the closet optimist that I am, I was totally floored when the RE (not the usual one but his partner) basically told me there was no hope. Might I remind you this was also the inadequate endometrial biopsy guy. His only saving grace is that I made my initial appointment at their clinic through him because the RE (Dr. L) I wanted to see was all booked for two months. Then some how I became Dr. L's patient. I fear that he took me on because he sees me as a challenge. Back to the appointment.

The exact conversation was
RE: What is your status currently?
ME: Dr. L just wanted me to come in on a normal cycle to see what my lining measures.
RE: No estrogen then this cycle.
ME: No.
RE: Are you trying for a transfer this month.
ME: Ummm no. (IdME: Didn't I just tell you I had just ovulated? You idiot. If we were trying for a natural transfer wouldn't we have missed it? JFC, why are you such a moron)
RE: Hmmm lining looks like it is 5 mm and you have a follicle or probably a cyst.
ME: Oh.... (IdME: Thanks for adding insult to injury. You don't think that I could possibly have a follicle on the day I told you I was ovulating. Instead you assume it is a cyst. Nice)
RE: You will have to have a consult with Dr. L. to discuss your next plan.
ME: So is there anything I can do?
RE: No, if your lining doesn't get any better there is no hope.
ME: I have no options?
RE: No either another transfer or find a surrogate for your last two blasts.
ME: Uh...gulping back the tears (IdME: You are such a f***ing moron. You have the balls to suggest I hand the whole thing over to somebody else. I wasn't even happy with donor eggs now you suggest donor uterus? Lets just strike me from the whole equation. I am useless. I hate you)
RE: Oh, you could try vaginal vi*gra, or acupuncture but that really hasn't been shown to help. We have done everything Western medicine can do for you. We have never seen anyone get pregnant with a lining of 5mm. See yah!
ME: ....silence (IdME: You really are a moron. I am not on any medication this cycle so my lining can get a little thicker than this, doofus. Maybe not much but I even had implantation and a lining of 7.5. I know it is not great, but it certainly is better than 5mm)

Thank goodness, he is not my regular RE. I think I would have killed myself by now. Dr. L is much more upbeat. Full of anecdotes, not really shining sun up my a$$, but positive. More hopeful. He suggests I take a two-three month break. So now need to do everything that I can to plump my lining up. Any recommendations?

I know several things I want to try:
1. Some kind of relaxation maybe meditation or massage. I really feel stressed most of the time.
2. Yes, I will finally do acupuncture. I am thinking about getting Mr. Hoo to do it with me for moral support (I don't think he will be very happy about that)
3. Cutting out alcohol (again)
4. I already eat fairly healthfully. Which reminds me that I wanted to mention by recent cholesterol readings. Triglycerides 40!!!!, HDL97!!!! LDL 65. Thats right my LDL is lower than my HDL. Total was something like 165. Wait looking back, my HDL has always been higher than my LDL. I guess in addition to giving me the crazies, my mom also passed on good cholesterol regulating genes. This was despite the fact that I haven't been exercising since October. I wonder if there is any correlation with lining and cholesterol. Maybe I need to eat more eggs? Ha, eggs to improve my fertility.

Oh, yeah I was listing my plan of attack.
5. Vitamin E and vitamin B6 ( I don't know what good extras of these will do. The prenatals already have these, but it can't hurt right?) The nurse suggested them so what the heck.
6. Yoga or walking. I was thinking about doing two walks with the puppy poo instead of just one a day.
7. I read that someone cut out refined sugar. I think that would kill me, but maybe I could try it for a few months.

Oh, yeah I forgot why things seem to be getting worse in addition to the lining scenario. I have a very regular cycle. 26 days like clockwork except on IVF meds or BCP. I ovulate between day 12 and 13 by BBT, cervical position and mucus. Any way, this month I seem to be completely out of wack. Still have not seen a huge increase in BBT and today is day 15. I have seen a slow increase, but nothing that has peaked. I guess tomorrow will be the defining moment. And the cervix has been wonky. Nothing that I could say was definitively high and soft. So maybe I didn't ovulate this month, good because maybe that explains super thin lining. Bad because maybe stupid RE was right and it was a cyst. I guess I will find out in two weeks.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Try try again

My RE thinks we need to take a break. A break from what I wonder. Does he need a break? Does my uterus need a break. I wonder what a break would do. Will it make my lining miraculously thicker? Even though I have asked, I have not been given any suggestions to make it thicker. I am a scientist, damn it. If you don't give me reasons I am lost. I need some kind of empirical evidence that waiting will help. I need data for how I can make my lining thicker. I have searched pubmed for journal articles. Nobody cares about the lining. Apparently, nobody has this problem. From what I can tell, most people who have lining issues do not have egg issues. It is just try and try again, but I don't have that luxury. I have two more blasts. That is it.

I stopped the IVF treatments because Drs. told me it was a waste of money that the donor egg scenario was the most expedient. I gave up my hope of having a child with my genetic make up simply based on the odds. I am not a gambler. I chose to go the route with the highest success rate. Donor eggs. I did that. Now, am I really being told that the sure thing is also going to fail me? That I can never have a baby in my belly. That I can't even carry a baby. I don't know how much more failure I can handle. I don't deal well with not being in control. I don't like to wait, and I especially hate leaving things to fate. I have always said I can accept most things that are thrown at me. That things work out for the best, and do believe it. But how long do I have to go without knowing. How do I know when to give up? Should I try one more round of donor eggs? I don't know, if my uterus is bad its bad. No amount of trying is going to help.

I did log onto the donor egg site to look up potential candidates. The past donor was on there, but do we want to use her again. I mean, 6 blasts that is it. 18 eggs. I don't think they even told us how many were mature. I just want to have a plan and I can't have a plan if we have to wait some more. It seems this whole process has been more waiting than doing. The doctor says that I am young. That I have plenty of time, but really how can I believe that. My gynocologist said not to intervene. My FSH was low enough. Then we had to wait because the Drs office had a meeting, then Thanksgiving, and then Christmas. Then we had to wait for the donor stuff to come through. In total I have been waiting since October 2007. I know it doesn't seem that long, but I am not a patient person.

I found out this weekend that my sister in law went through the same thing. Granted she is young and had 22 fertilized blasts, but her first fresh transfer she had a positive HCG then the number dropped. On the first FET it was negative. They got their darling daughter on the second FET. Maybe we will have the same luck.

All I can think of is my poor husband. He didn't buy into this. He thought he could get happily married, have a family and live happily ever after. He is so quiet about this. I can not really tell what he is thinking or feeling.

I go in tomorrow to see what my lining looks like without any of the drugs. Who knows what will happen from there.

The good news is that I have been invited to give a talk, in Hawaii. At least I don't have to worry about being pregnant in Hawaii and can have fun at the luau.