Monday, March 15, 2010

Try try again

My RE thinks we need to take a break. A break from what I wonder. Does he need a break? Does my uterus need a break. I wonder what a break would do. Will it make my lining miraculously thicker? Even though I have asked, I have not been given any suggestions to make it thicker. I am a scientist, damn it. If you don't give me reasons I am lost. I need some kind of empirical evidence that waiting will help. I need data for how I can make my lining thicker. I have searched pubmed for journal articles. Nobody cares about the lining. Apparently, nobody has this problem. From what I can tell, most people who have lining issues do not have egg issues. It is just try and try again, but I don't have that luxury. I have two more blasts. That is it.

I stopped the IVF treatments because Drs. told me it was a waste of money that the donor egg scenario was the most expedient. I gave up my hope of having a child with my genetic make up simply based on the odds. I am not a gambler. I chose to go the route with the highest success rate. Donor eggs. I did that. Now, am I really being told that the sure thing is also going to fail me? That I can never have a baby in my belly. That I can't even carry a baby. I don't know how much more failure I can handle. I don't deal well with not being in control. I don't like to wait, and I especially hate leaving things to fate. I have always said I can accept most things that are thrown at me. That things work out for the best, and do believe it. But how long do I have to go without knowing. How do I know when to give up? Should I try one more round of donor eggs? I don't know, if my uterus is bad its bad. No amount of trying is going to help.

I did log onto the donor egg site to look up potential candidates. The past donor was on there, but do we want to use her again. I mean, 6 blasts that is it. 18 eggs. I don't think they even told us how many were mature. I just want to have a plan and I can't have a plan if we have to wait some more. It seems this whole process has been more waiting than doing. The doctor says that I am young. That I have plenty of time, but really how can I believe that. My gynocologist said not to intervene. My FSH was low enough. Then we had to wait because the Drs office had a meeting, then Thanksgiving, and then Christmas. Then we had to wait for the donor stuff to come through. In total I have been waiting since October 2007. I know it doesn't seem that long, but I am not a patient person.

I found out this weekend that my sister in law went through the same thing. Granted she is young and had 22 fertilized blasts, but her first fresh transfer she had a positive HCG then the number dropped. On the first FET it was negative. They got their darling daughter on the second FET. Maybe we will have the same luck.

All I can think of is my poor husband. He didn't buy into this. He thought he could get happily married, have a family and live happily ever after. He is so quiet about this. I can not really tell what he is thinking or feeling.

I go in tomorrow to see what my lining looks like without any of the drugs. Who knows what will happen from there.

The good news is that I have been invited to give a talk, in Hawaii. At least I don't have to worry about being pregnant in Hawaii and can have fun at the luau.

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