Wednesday, March 24, 2010


I try to keep it together, but tonight I just lost it. I was watching Modern Family tonight and this cute brainy girl was trying to diagnose her brothers ADD. I just realized that I may never have a child like that. I may never have a kid. Life is unfair. I broke down and cried. In my kitchen. By myself. My faithful sidekick, Maredsous, my dog didn't even come to my rescue. Usually she is so in tune with my emotions. She comforts me instantly at any sign of anguish. I guess, the kitchen ban stuck. She did not want to disappoint me by breaking the kitchen barrier. I wish she had been slightly more intuitive. That she had come to my side.

I haven't done anything wrong. I try to live by the Golden Rule. Maybe I don't go out of my way and donate my time and energy to charities, but I think I am a good person. Why would I be cursed this way? Why am I infertile? Why do I see my chances of having any child dwindling away? Usually things work out for me. I believe that. I think everything happens for a reason. And to be honest I have a relatively good life. Yes there are negatives, my husband's job is 3 hours away, I am in a job that I don't particularly love, I have a smaller circle of friends than I would like, but all in all things could be much worse.

Then again. I am infertile. I may never, ever have a baby. I don't deserve this. I have tried everything. I gave up having a child of my own genetic make up. I don't know what else I can sacrifice. I am spent.


  1. I'm so so sorry for you.


  2. I am so, so sorry. I wish there was something more helpful I could say.

  3. Oh sweetie pie,

    the one thing I know: there is NOTHING fair about infertility.
    nothing. not one little thing.

    There are few gifts, but so hard won-- this community has saved me. But how I wish I did not even know it existed, you know?

    I know you probably don't need to hear it from me right now, but I hear you.

    And I am so very sorry.

    sending love,

  4. I'm so sorry.

    IF sucks. It isn't fair. You don't deserve it. Not at all. My heart aches for your pain. It brings it all back in a moment. Unfortunately, it will never go away - not completely.

    Just know you aren't alone. We cry with you.