Confession

I try to keep it together, but tonight I just lost it. I was watching Modern Family tonight and this cute brainy girl was trying to diagnose her brothers ADD. I just realized that I may never have a child like that. I may never have a kid. Life is unfair. I broke down and cried. In my kitchen. By myself. My faithful sidekick, Maredsous, my dog didn't even come to my rescue. Usually she is so in tune with my emotions. She comforts me instantly at any sign of anguish. I guess, the kitchen ban stuck. She did not want to disappoint me by breaking the kitchen barrier. I wish she had been slightly more intuitive. That she had come to my side.

I haven't done anything wrong. I try to live by the Golden Rule. Maybe I don't go out of my way and donate my time and energy to charities, but I think I am a good person. Why would I be cursed this way? Why am I infertile? Why do I see my chances of having any child dwindling away? Usually things work out for me. I believe that. I think everything happens for a reason. And to be honest I have a relatively good life. Yes there are negatives, my husband's job is 3 hours away, I am in a job that I don't particularly love, I have a smaller circle of friends than I would like, but all in all things could be much worse.

Then again. I am infertile. I may never, ever have a baby. I don't deserve this. I have tried everything. I gave up having a child of my own genetic make up. I don't know what else I can sacrifice. I am spent.